“Why Do I Have to Make the List?” Mental Load and Shared Responsibility
Have you ever caught yourself saying, “Why do I have to be the one to make the to-do list?” If so, you’re not alone. Many partners find themselves stuck as the default manager of the household, and it’s exhausting.
This isn’t just a “you problem.” Research backs what so many of us already know—the mental load is heavy—and in most households, the lions share falls to one party. The mental load is the invisible labor of anticipating needs, organizing tasks, and keeping life running, or as I like to call it: Domestic Engineering. Even with progress toward gender equity over the past few decades, studies show that women continue to carry more of this cognitive labor and do more of the management of their family’s daily lives. In one study, women reported handling 73% of household cognitive tasks. Beyond the physical tasks of completing chores, this cognitive labor includes everything: noticing the tasks that need to be done, thinking about them, planning, remembering them, delegating, monitoring, adjusting… and on and on.
Time-use data tells a similar story: on days they do housework, women average about 2.7 hours, compared to men’s 2.3 hours. That small daily gap adds up and is often paired with the heavier cognitive responsibility of keeping track. Married women in particular tend to have the least free time compared to married men or unmarried women.
If you’re hoping for a balance that is less about delegating tasks and more of a collaborative dynamic, practice having more explicit, intentional conversations. Instead of handing out assignments or automatically accepting tasks without acknowledgement, you could say something like:
“I feel pressure to manage the housework and it’s more than I can handle. I want us to both feel like we have a voice at home and are both noticing, having a say in things, and jumping in without having to check in, direct or be directed. I’d like to have more explicit discussions about what and how we do things so we’re sharing the mental and physical workload.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed by how much I’m managing at home. I’d like us to have a clearer plan for how we share both the mental and physical workload. Can we talk through what’s working and what isn’t?”
These script helps shift the focus from “I need you to do more chores” to “I need us to build a shared system.” Ultimately, working on how you balance the daily demands of your household is about building a home where no one person has to play manager and where each party feels seen, heard, and cared for.
I dig deeper into this in my book No More Mediocre: A Call to Reimagine Our Relationships and Demand More. If this feels familiar, you’ll find tools in there for shifting from “one partner manages, the other executes” to a life that’s more balanced and sustainable.
